The biggest trap is to look outside for our worthiness To have others validate our successes in life this is a limited view there is so much more success than what others see a lot of success once I remember to reflect inward is so much more in my heart which then expresses outwards. Today's episode is about coming to the now, allowing ourselves to dream big, and believing in ourselves
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Transcript:
Using success as your validation that what you are doing is correct.
Is the source of suffering
I just went through this super interesting experience
Where I was so driven to create change,
To lean into my goals, to be successful
That when I get there I will be so happy
I will be complete
I was so connected to the future outcome, that I was feeling more and more disconnected from it
I was using other people that had achieved my dream,
And using them as proof that because I wasn’t like them- that I would never have it
Having this goal, dream
And having it be such a far reach started out great
But the firmer and firmer I gripped on
My brain got a hold of it and started to cause doubt in my brain
What are the feelings that you want to have
When you have everything you want?
We believe we will feel successful when we complete our goal
We will feel that we will be complete -but the truth is we are there!
But when we live in this space that we have to complete our goal -
That we are not yet there until x happens,
That we are not complete until x happens.
We actually don’t allow that feeling of complete in,
Of success in.
It was when my best friend asked me if I have ever used a gratitude journal that everything changed for me.
With just the simple act of writing the things down int he morning helped me remember what I am grateful for.
That I actually am successful right now.
I have actually arrived way past my original goal.
It gave me reason to celebrate where I am - now!
I didn’t need anyone else to validate me-
I validated me.
I didn’t need to strive for something outside of me.
I didn’t need to become anything,
So I set the new goal for a while to celebrate where I am at.
I set a goal - To take a goal vacation.
To not strive for anything right now.
To just be content, and happy with exactly what I have created already.
And the craziest things happened,
The most amazing employees applied for our job,
Super excited, motivated people that totally operate naturally in our core values,
More incredible opportunities, and connections cropped up… when all I did was just let loose a little bit.
I used to have this limiting belief, that if I am not using powerful emotions to power me through the day, to inspire action,
If I am not taking action, I will never get anywhere.
But then I learned that I can NOT will my way to an outcome.
Pushing through will and action to achieve a goal or outcome is super exhausting anyways.
It reminded me that, everything ALWAYS works out,
It always has my back, and how things come along is ALWAYS easier than all the hours I spent trying to figure out the logical how. The how is going to change constantly.
Whatever topic you are working through, the how is always going to change as you go along your journey.
You are going to get new ideas presented to you through your journey,
New people presented to you, new passions.
Innovations.
At the beginning of my Rossiter Practice, I figured I would have to do 16 sessions a day to be able to make my goals, I never had any idea that I would have Red Light Therapy, a BioCharger, and employees to help us continue and help even more people in an even bigger way than I originally could have ever dreamed.
It wasn’t just my how that was more beautiful than I could have imagined, but even my who, my why, and my what completely transformed in the most incredible unimaginable way.
Through the years, it evolves in ways I could never possibly predict.
Trying to predict things, and living out of external validation,
Is painful.
When we are living in validation, we are not living in the present moment.
Pain only lives in the past and in the future.
When we seek validation, this is proof that we don’t yet love or trust ourselves enough.
We are using our past and our future against us, we are not in the now when we are seeing validation.
When we are seeking validation that we are a good person,
We are going to not uphold our own boundaries.
We are going to worry about other people misunderstanding us, because if they don’t validate us, then there is a chance that we are a bad person, or that they are right.
I also want to validate that being depressed, and so many of us have been the last few weeks,
It’s been really fascinating to watch the empathetic people in the world move through something really heavy.
The connectedness of the world.
When we can validate ourselves, and know that what we are going through right now is not wrong.
Whether it is painful.
Or beautiful.
All is perfect in this world.
In this present moment we have validation.
In this moment we have simple emotion.
We can experience the sadness,
The joy,
The connected ness.
But when we think of the illusion of the future is when that emotion,
And attachment sets in.
Sadness grows to depression when we think of all the things that could be,
The loss of connection, experiences.
When I lost my best friend and my first love at 21 years old I was beyond devastated.
We are coming up on the 10 year mark, and I am still devastated.
I still experience depression every year about 3 months prior to losing him, unconsciously.
My mind gets stuck in the past, and our experiences together.
Playing basketball under the stars,
Being a 12 year old girl, peeking outside my window and to see him playing soccer in our cal-de-sac outside my window before I even met him, and my heart jumping out of my chest.
The years of giggles on the phone,
Him driving an hour to come make fun of the goofy things in Disney movies and play with my hair,
The safeness, and knowing that we would always have each other,
In this place I feel sadness for the past,
The beautiful past that I was so lucky to even experience once,
And in this place I feel sadness for the future,
Because it will be without him.
in this place I even feel sadness for the present,
In an illusion that I am without him.
In an illusion that I do not have all this love now.
I forget all of the things I have now.
I forget all the closeness I truly have to him still,
I forget to celebrate how he brought me James, who loves me, and loves Aaron.
Who also knows that Aaron is the person that brought us together.
When I come to the now, I am connected to all.
I am not disconnected.
My heart is able to validate itself.
I don’t need anything else.
I know that it’s all perfect.
I know that the sadness only shows because of the deep love I got to experience.
I know that when I focus on my past and future,
It is an illusion.
Internal validation is connection with the self.
Internal validation is connection with the now.
External validation is connection with distrust with the self.
External validation is disconnection to the gifts of now.
When you catch yourself seeking approval,
When you catch yourself looking for other people to give you answers,
I want you to pause and ask yourself,
What would this look like if I truly trusted myself?
Recently I was in a class, and we were talking about feelings.
How analytical people vs feelers,
The analytical people were wanting to experience life like the feelers.
I thought this was so beautiful, because it reminds me of what happens when we go externally to ourselves,
Instead of looking inward.
It’s so easy when we are looking for answers outside of ourselves,
To continue to feel like people don’t understand us,
Because we aren’t willing to understand ourselves.
We don’t see that we can all have our own right answer,
Each of us needs even a different kind of food to support their body.
Each of us feels a different sensation for the same “feeling” - it doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
It just means you are interpreting it in your own unique way.
When we are unwilling to allow that our unique experience is perfectly normal.
There is sadness and shame that own brains operate a different way
They believed they were doing something wrong, or they needed to be like someone else, because they couldn’t identify the feelings they were feeling…the way others were describing them.
That brought them even more disconnection from the experience, the book. Separation from the people wanting to help them.
But if they allowed themselves to have a different experience than the rest of the group,
If they knew that they would have a different interpretation,
And whatever interpretation they got at that time of their experience was perfect for them,
Right then.
They would have been able to open up, and understand their interpretation of what the book was saying.
Even this sadness, judgement of themselves isn’t wrong.
It is going to put them along the journey that they need,
Maybe it’s that they get to listen to this podcast, or simply they were the caveat for me to want to write this piece in my podcast for others that needed to hear this.
There are so many things in the workings that we will never understand,
So many how’s constantly in the works,
We can never be in control of them.
Them wanting to force themselves and think like others blocked them
From experiencing what they wanted.
Connection, understanding.
They were distancing themselves from their true nature.
What is available in the now. Knowing. Understanding.
Something that was also interesting that kept coming up in the conversation,
That I think is super relevant for today’s conversation is that we think other’s are doing things so perfectly.
We think that other people have things so figured out.
This is a lie.
If you were to ask this person, or any person if they think they have it all figured out,
Not a single person would truthfully say they have it all figured out.
This is a disconnection to the now, disconnection to the self.
It is a judgment, and drives disconnection.
What is the big reason we seek success validation? I believe a big driving force of seeking validation is correct course of action,
That we are doing the right things.
When we think that other people have it all figured out, this is just an awareness that we are disconnected to our own trust in our faith in ourselves and our path.
Come inward, connect with your breath, find the things you have created in the past year.
What are you so grateful for.
What decisions have you made in the past year or maybe 2 or 3 that you are so glad you made.
Use your brain to validate itself.
Maybe make a habit of doing this for yourself.
My best friend reminded me to do a daily gratitude journal, I list 3 things I am grateful for every day.
I like to go into detail, so it takes me about 5-10 minutes every day.
This is success validation from a whole place.
This is success validation internally.
When I feel success validation on my own, I no longer need or care what other people externally to me think about me, and my decisions. I allow myself to follow my own path, and pick up the opportunities that feel right, and leave the ones that don’t feel right.
In my internal success validation, I find connection to my intuition.
I no longer need to make quick judgements. I don’t have to get anywhere, because I already know it’s all going to be perfect.
I don’t have to worry about setting lofty goals,
A couple weeks ago I was thinking about leaving a group that was helping me set lofty goals
I was using my inability to hit this lofty goal against myself
I realized I was using this lofty goal as a way to feel disconnected from my success.
Chasing, and always feeling like it was so far away.
I had connected this group with my depression I was experiencing…
Which wasn’t wrong.
But it was me, that was making it mean things that caused the feelings of depression.
It was me thinking I was never going to get there -
Me comparing my success to the others that caused the negative emotion,
I would go to another group and feel those same feelings,
And it wouldn’t have anything to do with them,
It has everything to do with the quality of my thoughts.
With this realization
I can set lofty goals, I can be in a room of inspiring people that have accomplished amazing things,
And not need for them to validate me,
To tell me that I am capable of creating it.
My brain doesn’t need to compare myself to them, (though I also know that it will happen..because brain’s gonna brain)
I understand that no single person is a like,
I am going to have a very different path
And I know and trust myself.
I am a hard worker, that will always find a way to make dreams come true.
When I have validated my success,
I know I can accomplish anything.
On my own time line.
I can set any goal I want,
And know it will be done,
In it’s own way, in it’s own time.
I get to enjoy the now.
I get to enjoy the journey.
I get to celebrate all the exciting parts that I couldn’t have ever dreamt would be a reality.
I forgive myself for past experiences I went through,
And in that success validation I learn and I see that I am a good person,
That is creating an impact in the world.
That has created so many cool things, and has just begun.
From this emotion,
And validated self,
I can lean into the big goals.
Without the self deprecating thoughts that make the journey so not fun.
That make us feel like we need to strive for work life balance.
That put us in this idea that we are not balanced already.
The only place you can find balance is in your self,
Now.
If you are connected with yourself,
Validating yourself,
Why do you need to work more? I feel it also gives us the ability to show up intentionally.
We get to work when we want to,
But when we already know we are successful, what we are doing is working
And that everything cool that has happened in our life didn’t happen from long hard hours.
It allows us to take the hands of the steering wheel.
Yes, we still work. But from a different place.
We are no longer tying our worthiness through our success.
We are able to take action full,
We know we are successful…
And even if it hasn’t shown up for you in finances yet-
How else are you successful? This morning my success validation looked like having this beautiful coffee shop that was filled with windows,
Where I could go in the winter and journal, feel the sun on my skin, feel like I was outside without being cold.
I felt so grateful, that I knew about this sunshiney little hidey hole.
I validated my success in my friendships that I have created closeness too.
The people I have in my life are just incredible, caring people. Through my life experiences, I have learned how much connection to those around me, and communication means to me. All the relationships I hold dear we all share those values, and it is just so soul nourishing for everyone involved.
I want to remind you , that your brain might want to think about your sadness towards financial success right now,
It might make it seem like it’s helpful,
That it will help you towards your goals, and ultimate success…but this couldn’t be farther from the truth.
With lack, and sadness you cannot create gratitude, success. you simply create more lack and sadness, and exhaustion.
You add pressure.
So if your brain does a brain thing, and starts to judge yourself for where you are currently,
Judging others, or being jealous of others accomplishments, just know that is your subconscious letting you know of your possibilities.
It is something that you will create, and they are evoking powerful emotions so that you don’t miss it.
Everything is happening for you,
The emotions you feel bring awareness to the present moment, awareness to the things that we on our journey learn from and evolve with.
What validates your personal successes right now? What are you grateful for? I invite you to take a few minutes every morning and write just 3 things you are grateful for.
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