Welcome to my soap box. today we are going to talk about something I am super passionate about. Why Love is actually not hard, and why it's actually beautiful when you put yourself in the right place, with the right people. I used to think I had it as good as it was going to get- and I was miserable. I am lucky that guy dumped me, so I could experience the most unconditional love I think anyone in the planet might ever get to experience. It was through this realization, this soap box that I get to celebrate the beauty I have in my life- and was able to find people that love and understand me and my unique brain wiring. People that aren't frustrated by who I am. Which leaves us all much happier humans. (yay! happy humans!)
Love this podcast? We would love your review, or a share with a friend! If you are ready to jump in, and create huge change and make at least another $100k in your business this year, let's jump on a complementary coaching call. Click here to book your complementary 1:1 Coaching Session with Ellen Argo.
Transcript:
Welcome to my soap box!
Today we are going to talk about
Love is not hard.
Withholding love is hard.
I used to believe very deeply this thought that love is going to be hard.
I stayed in relationships that were tough, believing it was normal.
Afraid that all of my effort would be for not.
That I would just have to fight for understanding all over again.
That at least this person knew my opinions a little more.
This belief that this “love” was constant work.
That I would essentially have to reteach someone what my boundaries and expectations were.
Love doesn’t Have to be hard
But that also doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy - or that it should be easy 100% of the time. False expectations. And expectations in general are our biggest problem with thinking love is “hard”
Understanding our expectations for others can help us decide to love all the time.
What is the benefit of loving even those that are hard to love? Power and freedom. This means you get to feel this amazing sensation, and you rely on absolutely no one else to feel it.
You can be in love with the flower.
You can be in love with the sky.
The only thing painful is the lack of love.
When you are in love with the flower, you are able to make the decision to see what serves the flower best.
Sometimes with that love, it can look like replanting it and giving it to someone else that loves it more, if you are not good at watering it, or if you don’t have the right sunlight in your house.
When you can see that flower as a flower. You do not withhold love from a flower when it is wilted, or when the pedals start falling out, you give it more love. Maybe more water, maybe a bigger pot, better soil.
When we love ourselves, how do we show up for ourselves?
Do we water our soil? Maybe add fertilizer (thought work) or a better container to fit our new beautiful root system? (maybe a new friend group)
Or do we keep ourself root bound, changing nothing and blaming ourselves for not growing into a big beautiful tall sunflower?
Love for ourselves and love for another can look like this.
When we allow ourselves to take space, and view our soul as a flower. We can seperate the emotional component.
When we seperate the emotional component we are able to objectively look at the situation.
When we are able to objectively look at the situation- we can create such an abundance of prospective. We love them for what they are. Not for the dream of what they might be.
Loving the dream looks like:
I got stuck in loving the dream of the poeple I was with. I would push aside the actions they were doing, for this person I believed they could be. I kept people around me that didn’t not support me.
I even chose to love those peopel so much, that I let them go.
I let them go to a place, be with the people that makes them so much happier.
When I love myself, I am able to love others so much more, and stand up for both of our true dreams. Not false dreams.
What would you feel if someone was loving not you, but the dream they have for you? You being a different person?
Myself, and an employee of mine truly loved and cared for each other.
Even though she no longer works for me - I actually have multiple people that fit this description,
I will still always truly love and care for them as humans, but know they were not the right fit for our business.
I loved and admired their brains,
Their ideas,
Their passion - but they wanted me to be different to fit into their mold that would make them happy-
Which boiled down to me not being adhd.
I always had too many ideas,
I always needed to be nailed down,
I wasn’t to be trusted -
Simply- I frustrated their brains because even though they were wonderful people
Our brains weren’t meant to be coworkers, we did not compliment one another in a working relationship.
And vis versa.
I kept hoping that I could change myself enough so that they would be so frustrated with me,
And that they would have grace for the places that aren’t my strong suit.
We both- kept hoping we would be different people so that we could be happy.
So that we wouldn’t be stressed out.
Now that I have moved through that- I know
A- no one is irreplaceable. Even when it feels like everything is going to blow up without these people in your life, and you have never been in business without them. You will figure it out I promise.
B- now that I have people that understand, sign up for my ADHD brain when they interview - they know my weaknesses. I have people that love my brain, they are not frustrated by it, and everyone is so much happier. The people that didn’t work well with my brain, now don’t have to. And the people that like working with my brain, do. It’s been a total win win for overall happiness. This also can be said for my personal relationships.
I have had many friendships before I knew how extreme my ADHD was, before I could understand it- and support it, and educate those around me what will happen- and that I am making a concerted effort to not get so passionate that I talk over people, or that sometimes my excitement sounds like anger..actually because of bringing this to others attention they helped me break these habits.
I have people that know that I am doing my best surrounding me.
They understand where my weaknesses are- they are not there to get frustrated by them,
They are there to support me.
I think this is the biggest, most important thing to do when you have a human brain.
Whether it is ADHD, or just normal human ness.
Find people that SUPPORT your brain.
Not people that bring you down.
Let’s be real - we do that on our own plenty enough. When you find people that have opposite strengths from you,
When you can realize the things that you forget (because you are human- you are GOING to forget things)
When you realize through trying that certain things are not your strong suit- you can let peopel know around you what you need help with either them doing completely that maybe they enjoy or maybe they want to help support you, in remembering parts and pieces - like hey don’t forget you have a presentation this coming weekend, I am going to make sure we have everythign loaded in the event bag before Wednesday, if we need to order anything I will send you a text. Things like that. As ADHD, it’s been common that we never expect anyone else to be perfect,
But we expect ourselves to be perfect.
This is the perfect set up for an unhealthy relationship.
I want you to also think about love relationships, when we have understandings,
Like we do in the above example in work relationships. We can see the partnership.
We take on things that the other person doesn’t do so great at,
And the things we enjoy. We come together as a team.
We hold space for the person we are with, because we chose to be with them.
If we want them to be different,
When we are unable to meet their needs- because we are simply so different.
When they want to have conversation, and we are unwilling to meet them there.
If we have had to go through conversations again and again, even when we thought things were settled,
There is resentment being held. I am all about working, and lovingly fighting for the things you believe in.
But I’m also all in on the belief that real love, is not hard.
Real love, yeah- you show up and some days aren’t roses and daisies.
You have to have vulnerable conversations.
We have to talk about thigns that sometimes are uncomfortable,
But the person when it’s love - wants to learn, to have compassion,
And each misunderstanding leads to more understanding.
I watch friends, and my previous self be taunted by a person that says they will be better- they will change.
To them to turn around a few weeks later and do the same thing over and over.
That’s why I have the 3 time rule.
If something happens the first time, it’s just a misunderstanding that has tons of room for growth and understanding, and very likely compassion on my side….generally it doesn’t go any further from here.
A promise James and I made when we first started dating was “always take the high road” James and I know, that we would never do anything to hurt one another. So knowing this truth - what do we believe happened? But when we do have this feeling of frustration against one another-
We also have an agreement that we will talk about it when we are ready.
When someone asks- what’s going on. We also have permission to say- I am processing it, I’ll let you know when I am ready. This has been fantastic, and shows me that both of us are invested in the outcome.
We aren’t just pretending things are fine and dandy when they are not.
Sometimes it even looks like one of us noticing the other is sad, or off kilter before we have even noticed ourselves have noticed us following that path.
James started saying, “I will check in and see, I didn’t notice anything was going on before- but you have always been right (a wife’s dream right?) and I will see what comes up)
This helps me feel respected, him respected - and the reason I Brought it up (being love, and just wanting him to be happy) doesn’t get turned into something negative. it reflects back into growing us closer together. Leaning into our love.
This is a great example of not expecting anyone to be different than who they are-
I am not expecting my husband to be happy all the time
I am just helping him reflect on his emotions, so that we can move through things together.
I also want to say- hearing things like this used to make me cry,
Because I thought I would never have anything like this.
This is a good sign that you are not in a relationship that fits your needs.
If you are holding on to love, or a coworker simply because you are afraid to let go because you dont’ want to have to put all this work and effort into someone else….that is a terrible reason to keep them around.
What is hard in a relationship? What are your no’s? I think a lot of people think that having vulnerable conversations is hard. But why? To what end? Is it worth it in the end? When we identify having conversations as hard- then life will be hard, maybe love is hard.
But don’t go around telling people love has to be hard, when your definition of love is hard with having vulnerable conversations with your people.
When we believe that love is hard, those of us that lean into love, that look on the bright side a bit too often, that love sooo deeply- we get our hearts stomped on. We believe this is the best it’s goign to get.
I just had a great conversation with an adhd friend, and she was sharing without any prompting, that she used to be in a relationship and she also believed it was the best she would ever have, that this is just the way it is for everyone right? And then she realized, I would be better off alone. But then she was sad, and didn’t want to be alone. I for sure can relate to this story. Being misunderstoond, nothing in common, just arguments, with no resolution. Not even telling you they love you without prompting. As an incredibly loving person, this isn’t okay for me. My neurology responds to this with a very highly insecure attachment style. As soon as I found James, and we dated for a year was when the veil of disillusion was lifted from my eyes.
The veil of manipulation, fear. Sadness. And what I believed was love, to be put in the dust after a few simple months of being truly cared for. This love that I have, so mutually respected- that I was goign to allow myself to never have. My last guy is the one that ultimately broke up with me, and I am so glad he did. I think I would have hung on forever if he hadn’t. Him being stuck with a person that didn’t make him happy, and me sacrificing what true love was. Someone does not need to be a bad person to not be your person.
Someone does not need to hurt you emotionally or physically to move on.
Often times, when this happens it means you have been holding on for way too long,
They start acting out of their anger- psychologically figuring out how to get out of the situation they are in,
Without having the strength to make a change in any other way.
As an employer- it’s so important to see this.
And luckily- at this place, there are quite a few less heart strings than your significant other.
As an employer when you can see an employee taking actions of self sabotage -
You can use this to help you identify, sit down, and have conversations to help support them.
Clarifying questions to help you see what is going on, if there is a misunderstanding, or if it is something that has popped up multiple times, and it is evidence they don’t fit into your core values,
Then it is likely you are holding onto them out of your own neediness. This is not fun for either end. Love or work, when someone is self sabotaging and doing things outside of your core values.
Know this is a time to sit down- talk about it directly. Seek understanding from a loving place.
Then know that if it happens that 2 more times, that…that is who they truly are, and expecting anything other than that is expecting them to be a different person.
ADHD are commonly people pleasers, and people pleasers generally have weak boundaries.
When we have defined boundaries, we can filter out those people who don’t support our wellbeing,
We can also filter out those, that we don’t help their well-being
This is not to control someone, if you don’t communicate with me I am going to leave you. Trust me, I tried this for years- and it doesn’t work. This was not their need for their life, and not matter how much prying I did- I was just super insecure because I didn’t have the same needs as they did. Simply put. This one sided need for communication- and to move through things lead to years of disconnection and sadness. Once I finally let him go, I was able to be with myself and define through that experience what were my no’s - what was actually way too hard, and I was not willing to go through again. Defining my “hard” was exactly what filtered my options…to one, and gave me an easy answer. My now husband.
I can be a people pleaser, but I also have my needs met - because we have defined the same needs. We both value time together, both value learning, supporting each other, moving our bodies, and spontaneous goofiness, we are willing to dive in deep, have misunderstandings-but to know that we will always take the high road for eachother. We KNOW that each other always has our back, and it has been strengthened more and more over time because of small misunderstandings, and our willingness to communicate.
What if you can define what hard is, and realize this isn’t actually hard at all?
Sometimes something can seem so hard in the moment
Having a tough conversation about how you are feeling about their actions or words.
Once you have a few uncomfortable conversations, and you show them what you are thinking - that is when you get to learn so much about your relationship, and you get to learn about that person.
For me I learned a ton when I was open with James because he wanted to support me, he was able to listen and learn how my brain worked. It helped him understand why I do things the way I do them, and allowed him to have more compassion for me.
Other people, they used it as ammunition against me. They used my ADHD as a reason to be frustrated with me, to not trust me. These are simply people I want to filter out of my life as soon as possible. For them, and for me.
When I started to define what was “hard” in a relationship - it really all boiled down to conversation… it allowed me to either have a different understanding of what it was - like the awareness I had for these misunderstandings are the best way for us to have more understandings in the future.
I can use this misunderstanding, to help me better understand this person in the future.
For example: I recently had a misunderstanding over text to one of my providers that I care so much about, it hit some of her heart strings and brought her to tears. Because she was willing to tell me all this- what many would define as hard- we were able to open up a dialogue about it, and I was able to support her. Instead of her feeling like her job was being threatened, and that I didn’t like her. Which was the initial response, she reached out (because I set that precedence up front with all of my people - never hold anything in- if something is bothering you- know I want to support you- let’s talk about it)
Because she talked about it- we moved through it quickly. Because she felt like she was doing something wrong, I was able to show her all the things she was doing right, that she is a great employee, hard working, how grateful we are to have her. I also - because of this tool, reminded her to also use this as a tool to remember - now we can add this to the memory bank of understandings.
Your reaction when having conversation with people, if communication is on this list for you as well- will either keep them from opening up, or keep them opening up to you.
Communication can move you through pain and misunderstanding quickly, but if you shut them down, or don’t hear their side of the story- you will miss out on opportunity to bond over the moment to help them to want to continue to talk to you. Communication needs to be felt both ways. Otherwise it will not be upheld.
What do you think that will do for your relationship?
Will it create more freedom?
Will it create more strife?
If you believe it will create more freedom- I can guarantee you will define it.
But if you think it will create more strife- I can guarantee you wont do it.
The only reason you do anything - is because the feeling you think you will have in doing it.
I want to guarantee you - you can define your no’s without focusing on them.
Giving you a filter gives you freedom to enjoy the beauty too.
But it also gives you clairvoyance for when you are being treated outside of your boundaries.
It gives you the ability to set your boundaries, clearly share them, and enforce them.
What would you define as hard?
I have very much simplified it down to two things - their willingness to work through something, on their own or together. Depending on the situation.
Their willingness to take responsibility when appropriate. these are my two strongest filters. Willingness to take responsibility was generally the first red flag I would see in my interviews, or when I was dating before my husband broke out of the friend zone, and probably a huge reason he broke out of the friend zone…because I realized how many people didn’t make it through my filters! I also want to say - just because someone doesn’t fit through your “filter” doesn’t mean they aren’t lovable. You are not withholding them from being loved, if they are not in your space…
You are not deeming them unworthy.
You are simply allowing them to be in a place that supports them better.
This is work I have to do, and keep doing throughout my entrepreneurial and life journey.
Willingness to take responsibility looks like:
One time a huge boundary was crossed in a friendship years ago, so I confronted the person that was clearly responsible- and they responded “well you didn’t tell me not to!” And I was like- okay. We are done. I celebrate this moment often. My ability to be strong, to say no to a blatantly obliterated a few boundaries I was able to actually walk away knowing I didn’t need to do anything more than I did. Even when I thought I liked this person before the incident, after years of feeling like a push over. I realized those years defined my strength. They defined my no’s, my boundaries. And now I had the strength after lifting the weights to enforce it and know when it’s a no. It also helped me know absolutely sure, without questions when I had my yes. My husband.
What do you want to do when there is a misunderstanding or disagreement?
How do you want to show up for you? What would it look like to show up in love?
What would it look like to show up out of love?? Once you have defined these things, you can use them to help you make so many decisions in life.
Once you have defined what is actually “Hard” can allow us to set boundaries. It can help us take care of ourselves
Can allow us to move through things
Let people be themselves,
And let us love them from afar
Or love them even more up close
Having this defined helps us filter people that serve us - and we serve right back.
I have a question for you: Are you having tough conversations with those you love in your life? Why are you not having tough conversations? What is the truth of it?
Love this podcast? We would love your review or a share with a friend!
If you are ready to jump in, create change and make at least another $100k in your business this year, let's jump on a complimentary coaching call.
You can go to ellenargo.ck.page to book your complimentary 1:1 Coaching Session with me, Ellen Argo or go to ellen.argo on instagram and there is a link in my bio :)
Comments