ADDitude Mag states that 100% of people with ADHD have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) It can be paralyzing, it is generally the number 1 symptom that is the hardest to deal with. You are not alone. Here is a great way to move through it, be with it. 1- Don't shame your brain, for just being a brain. 2- listen to this podcast ;)
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Transcript:
Brain hate is real
How often do you spend judging your brain for braining? For being too sensitive? It is something that as I learn that I truly wont have control over,
That is just a part of my human psychology.
The less grip it has on me.
This brain hate is termed “emotional dysregulaton” or “rejection sensitive dysphoria for others”
But for me - the term brain hate hits so deep and true in the moment. What Are the Outward Signs of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? According to ADDitude Magazine-
Individuals suffering from rejection sensitive dysphoria may exhibit the following behaviors:
Sudden emotional outbursts following real or perceived criticism or rejection
Withdrawal from social situations
Negative self-talk and thoughts of self-harm
Avoidance of social settings in which they might fail or be criticized (for this reason, RSD is often hard to distinguish from Social Anxiety Disorder)
Low self-esteem and poor self-perception
Constant harsh and negative self-talk that leads them to become “their own worst enemy”
Rumination and perseveration
Relationship problems, especially feeling constantly attacked and responding defensively
I wanted to share this with you,
Because it is the thing that causes negativity spirals to be so intense.
One of the thoughts that I think about most when I am in a bad place,
I feel like I’m a lot of work,
I feel like I think about things way more than anyone else,
I feel like a burden to others because of my brain.
My husband, would agree I am much more aware than other people seem to be.
Questioning everything.
Questioning my thoughts - why I am thinking them.
Questioning how I can always make things better..
This is why our adhd brain are so good at innovating.
It can also be really hard,
When we are constantly analyzing, learning and wanting to improve even ourselves.
Many of us have experienced teachers that were frustrated with our brains,
All of us (even the non adhders) have experienced classes that we didn’t do well in,
When we were children — and I still fight this as an adult. We don’t have the awareness that we are not going to be perfect at everything the first time we do it.
Often times I have to check myself and ask myself-
How many times have I done this? only 3, you are doing great.
Failing is the fastest way to learning the way that works best for you.
The difference is also- with or without any past trauma. it is said taht every person with ADHD deals with rejection sensitivity. 100% of people with ADHD are said to have rejection sensitivity dysphoria it is often defined as dibilitating, when peopel describe they wince,
Curl over hold their stomachs.
People with RSD/ED are usually ashamed of their over-reactions and hide them so that they will not be further embarrassed and thought of as mentally or emotionally unstable
It can be incredibly painful, especially when you feel alone in it.
I want this awareness of brain hate-
To know that it will be there.
It will show up.
It doesn’t mean you have done anything wrong
It doesn’t mean you are a bad person
It just mean your brain is doing its brain’s thing.
We get to know this about our brain, so that we can allow ourselves to get back to living our lives.
We can recognize this pain,
We can analyze the situation,
And we can ask ourselves- did we show up in love?
And once again - am I expecting myself to be perfect on my first go?
Many times this is the question that allows me out of the brain hate.
I truly believe even the non adhders do it to an extent, but as I talk to peopel about it, I am not convinced it is to the extent that the ADHDer experiences it…and unable to get out of that thought pattern, even when we realize it’s silly.
That we have a reason to distrust our brain, that we have a dysfunctional brain.
We have years of evidence of the things that frustrated others.
Even if we were trying our best.
Of course, when you have been told something over and over - you will begin to think that it’s truth. That it’s not even up for questioning anymore. ( you are overly emotional, you do have a short fuse, and you are emotionally unstable)
And then you add the actual scientific negativity bias along side with it- and we have a lot of sadness.
Once again - I want to be very clear that this is not for us to feel sadness towards our brain.
This is to understand how to best support our adhd.
How to support our unique brain wiring.
So that we can recognize our brain hate or our rejection sensitivity- and we can reflect in on the things that that person loves about us. Or we can learn to take notes of the times we have had with that person. I have little “rainy day” list in my notes app, and photos, of when someone sends me a lovely text- I make sure to put it there,
So that when I feel like they don’t like me- I can pull proof that it’s not true.
It’s my awareness of my brain hate - or my rejection sensitivity that allowed me to create this process for myself.
When I am able to show myself, this is not true.
When I am able to wiggle the thought loose- through things external to my brain.
Is when I am able to get back to life.
I can get back to connecting with that person-and other people.
When I am in that place of brain hate - or rejection sensitivity- I reject my husbands love, my love, anyone’s love.
I feel completely unworthy, and like a burden. I am not able to be fun - which is another thought loop my brain offers me when I am experiencing brain hate…
That brings me back to being a burden, and self isolation.
To remind us, just like in the using music to feel deliberate emotion podcast
That we get to feel all manner of emotions,
And it’s not wrong or unusual for us to get stuck in the negativity spirals.
You are not alone.
And now we get to learn how to not allow it to take us over, together.
I can’t wait to see how much more we learn and grow,
As we continue to coach together.
But from the journey so far - My clients and I are so much more alike than we are different.
We are all goofy,
Want to do good for humanity,
Passionate!
Loving deeply!
Authentic!
Creative!
When we overuse our superpowers of wanting to better humanity, we can put a lot of pressure on our shoulders, and get really sucked into people pleasing, needing external approval or validation. It can put the control onto other people, when we are afraid what they are thinking of us. When we are afraid of what they are perceiving, this is often a reflection from hyper fixation on loving people, and caring about their wellbeing.
When we operate from a positive emotion in our caring for humanity - we are able to truly care for them, and do what we want to do. Instead of reacting from the negative emotion that actually causes us to act out from needing love from humanity to show us our worthiness. When we ask for humanity to show us our worthiness, We never have control over our worthiness.
We never are able to achieve it - because we will never be able to prove that they actually believe we are worthy.
I truly believe it’s’ the external validation for our worthiness- that is the trigger many ADHD’ers experience that throw them into a brain hate or rejection sensitive episode.
When we practice our own self love - we become so much more resilient to the even very real threats of others rejecting us.
My favorite example is this -
If you had brown hair, and someone told you they absolutely hated your purple hair-
You would be confused and not take it personally at all. You would just be like, that’s weird..and totally dismiss it.
If you believed you had purple hair (even if you didn’t)
You would be highly offended. You would go into a brain hate or rejection sensitivity episode.
If you believed you were worthy, or practiced worthiness. (Remembered that you don’t reject yourself) Had processes to remind you of why you believe you are worthy through your favorite sensation. maybe it’s pictures, audio, touch, text messages. Notes you have left yourself.
You can remind yourself of your worthiness when it is far away, when we have let the dandelion have it.
When we practice remembering our worthiness often,
When we are in a good place,
We can strengthen our worthiness muscle,
And be less attuned to someone else’s possible rejection, or maybe even very real rejection.
We can also use this brain hate and RSD - Rejection sensitivity dysphoria,
To remind us when we get to pause and practice even more self love.
We get to have more reminders on a daily basis to journal, care for our brains,
And give our brains evidence of our worthiness.
We are truly the only person that can decide we are worthy.
Not even the person that loves you more than life itself.
You have to be the one that decides - otherwise no matter how many other people think you are - you will not have the receptors to realize that you are worthy.
So decide now - and remind yourself again and again.
Because you will forget, because you have a human brain.
You will realize your worthiness has been leant to someone outside of you-
When you are seeking external validation.
Approval.
When you are worried about rejection.
For me, I am reminded to bring my worthiness back inward about 200 times a day.
That, I have decided is perfectly okay.
Maybe it will be there forever - but I am going to chose to remind myself through those moments,
To bring my worthiness back in.
And to know that it is always there, and always available.
I just have to remember it’s there - I don’t even need to create it!
When we are operating form a place of truly feeling worthy, from our internal-
Is when our creativity, authenticity, or goofiness, and passions explode.
When we are operating from a place of truly feeling worthy- we are in control of our worthiness.
This is when we are feeling in control of our emotions.
When we feel in control - is when we feel positive emotions. (By the way - anything I say, is always up for questioning. I am a total debater. I love some good healthy discussions on topics. Let’s get into some juicy thought provoking conversation if you ever have any opinions about anything I am saying!)
When we are operating from our internal worthiness
We aren’t afraid of what others will think of us.
We are okay with learning through failure.
We bust out some funky dance moves, because the worst thing that can happen, is we make someone laugh.
We are our own goofy selves, because the worst that can happen is we find our tribe.
We express our emotions because emotions are here to be felt.
We contemplate our thoughts, and other ideas because it’s fun.
When we are coming from this brain hate place.
When we are operating in a place of feeling we should be something else - is when we shut down our super powers, and we shut down our fun.
When we feel we need to operate just as we think everyone else does,
We shame our brain.
We have brain hate.
What would life be like if we all had the same brains?
Have you ever seen the giver? Where they take away emotions, and they turn everything offset grey. They have completely voided all of the enriching parts of life.
I have come to understand, that our adhd brains allow us to feel emotion deeper.
We feel the highs a little higher, and the lows a little lower.
I have decided, that I would prefer this, over the shallow end.
Let’s dive deep, and explore the depths of the ocean and our brains.
It’s so fun in there. So many things to explore and find.
Would you want to live a more “shallow” experience?
where would you be if you didn’t have this abundant passion? I definitely wouldn’t be out - doing my thing pursuing my dreams.
I might be stuck in a corporate job somewhere - following someone else’s dream.
Not that that is wrong.
It’s perfect for many people.
But I know this Is not my destiny.
I want to remind you - that this brain that we think that would be so nice to have,
Is not the brain that you were meant to have.
You were meant to have this brain that pushed you outside of your comfort zone,
That loved so hard- that you couldn’t not help the community through creating a loving work environment for others.
This brain that you have has such an incredible ability to think of new ideas - the most important thing for business. Innovation. What happens when you don’t innovate?? Blockbuster.
Our brains are different.
Our brains are hyper alert.
Maybe we need a few more alarms on our phones.
I am curious, if you reviewed -
How many adhd characteristics do you value?
I love making lists for me to reflect on, when my brain isn’t available.
It’s important to also note: that knowing that sometimes your brain isn’t available for constructive thoughts is okay.
It’s not a place to shame yourself.
It is a place to lovingly support our brain.
From a place a love and compassion.
What do you absolutely love about yourself?
Are you goofy? Do you have deep conversations? are you passionate?
What things are part of your deep person?
Write these things down, for when you need a reminder for all the things your brain does that you love.
If you have been practicing brain hate for a while- this might not be available at all.
Sometimes in the dark depths we need to reflect upon the things that we are mad at our brain about, and turn them around.
We can say - I feel so bad, I really hope I am not bringing down the moment for other people.
Means - I value being kind to others. I value being goofy. I value being spontaneous. I value being joyful.
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